February 28, 2018 – To Be Continued… 😒

I woke up. I walked 5.6 miles. I read my Bible. I read Live Original. I watched Jamie Grace videos. I listened to Jamie Grace and Ann Voskamp podcasts. I got a shower and right when I got out the electricity went out in ONLY OUR APARTMENT. Seriously, the neighbors next to my room are currently watching to a loud movie! 😒 And I have to go to bed early now, because they freaking apartment people will be here some time after 7 in the morning. 😒 I’m trying to be grateful that I have an apartment, but this is really stupid! 😣


February 25, 2018

I woke up before my alarm, so I listened to a podcast about singleness. Then I went to church where we talked about the purity of marriage and how messed up the world’s view of marriage is. Then, I helped lead youth where we also talked about sex.

I’m really glad we did. It’s often such a forbidden topic in church, that it’s like cursing or something. It was good to talk about even if a bit awkward at times.

I came home, ate, then went to Nanny’s. I came home, showered, wrote a scene for MG, and now I’m gonna read some of the One and go to sleep!

February 24, 2018

I woke up, read my Bible, and went for a walk around the complex while listening to a podcast about John Crist.

I came inside, showered, and watched The Jamie Grace show all day. Tomorrow I’ll be starting to help in youth for the next few weeks as an extra female to support Megan while we discuss the sensitive topic of sex and relationships and things. It’ll be interesting for sure!

Holly sent me a podcast on singleness today. I haven’t listened to it yet, but I swear every time I start thinking about listening to sermons and podcasts about being single, she sends me something! Haha. The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Time for bed so I can go to church in the morning and stay for both services! “Big church” for the first service and then youth!

February 23, 2018

I woke up, read my Bible, walked for an hour, walked the girls to the apartment then drove them home, and went grocery shopping. I came home, showered, and worked on my Intergalactic Dystopian Novel. Then, I watched some of the Jamie Grace Show and applied to work in BAM at Chase again! Idk if I’ll get hired and I’m not entirely sure I want to, but I need a job and, in hindsight, Chase/BAM was a pretty good job to have! I’m hoping to get a schedule that means Sundays off, early Saturday nights, and Tuesdays off. Idk, but we’ll see.

February 21, 2018

Today, I woke up and read my Bible. Then, even though it was raining I went for a walk after doing some yoga for sciatica.

Except for the cover photo and Morgan’s chapter, I am officially finished writing The Mask; Her Aid. After everyone replies back to me about their chapters and I read through it in its entirety, Shelby is going to edit it for me! 😊

I’m so excited! I’m finally almost done with my book! 😁💖 Then, I’m going to work on my dystopian novel. I’m taking it back to its roots and making it an intergalactic dystopian novel though, because it’s honestly easier to create my own world than it is make a future history for the current world! Haha

February 19, 2018

The kids didn’t have school today because of President’s Day, so I took them to Chick-fil-A to use their calendar cards! This month’s treat was an ice cream cone! I did this after waking up and reading my Bible.

When I got home, I decided to copy all my old Facebook messages with Anna-Marie and Shelby to Microsoft Word so I could read them all. Mostly for the purpose of finding important dates that I know I’ll find through the chat, like when I started listening to BarlowGirl again and when I told them about my self-harm struggle.

When I finally finished with that, I worked on Jenna’s chapter of The Mask; Her Aid and finally finished it. I’m so close to finishing this book! I’m so excited! And nervous! And all the feels!

I’ve also been watching interviews of Leighton Meester, Selena Gomez, and Dylan O’brien, because I love them! And it gives me the illusion of binge-watching something without giving up too much time!

I also finally got my “Why” cover by Sabrina Carpenter to upload today!

February 16, 2018

I woke up and read my Bible. Then, I walked the girls to the apartment and went to play basketball. We ate dinner here and then I took them home. I watched several Selena Gomez videos. And I worked a lot on The Mask; Her Aid. I’m about halfway done with editing! Then I’ll be ready to publish! 🙊 Also, Dylan O’Brien is ADORABLE and I love him!

February 15, 2018 – Monte Carlo

I’ve been on a Leighton Meester and Selena Gomez kick lately. They just, they seem like such genuine people and they’re hilarious. So, naturally, I had to watch their movie Monte Carlo. 🇲🇨 Idk why I don’t watch this movie more often! It’s so cute and inspiring! It’s a lovely reminder always to be yourself, never to be afraid to take chances, and as Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

At the end of the movie, when Grace (Gomez) went to Romania 🇷🇴 to volunteer at the orphanage, I was inspired. With a sense of longing, I thought, “I want to make a difference like that.”

Then, I smiled and looked at my computer. “You are silly! That’s why you’re writing The Mask; Her Aid.” Oh! Right! Haha.

Before that, when Meg (Meester) was in Machu Picchu with her boyfriend, I felt a sudden wave of wanderlust. So, I might start going on adventures to Fredericksburg, Austin, places in San Antonio, and stuff like that soon. Or, I might just wait and hope I get to go on book or music tours some time soon! Haha. We’ll see!

Anyway, I woke up this morning and read my Bible. Then, I walked Lydia and Naomi to the apartment before driving them home after waiting 20 minutes for them after practice went over. Once home, I started working on The Mask; Her Aid some more. I now officially have five chapters finished and ready to be published after I read the book in whole! Whoo!

After watching Monte Carlo, I also posted on Instagram.

Pain and sorrow. Joy and laughter. Those are strange and curious concepts. When I was in high school, I rarely laughed out loud. I would smile and sometimes laugh quietly to myself, but I rarely laughed out loud. I thought, maybe that’s just who I was. I was the girl who laughed quietly, while everyone else laughed out loud. Today, I was watching the movie #MonteCarlo starring @selenagomez @itsmeleighton & @katiecassidy. I smiled during the movie as I laughed out loud several times. It didn’t occur to me why I found so much joy in laughing out loud, until after the movie. In high school, I battled depression. Now, I’m happy. There is joy and hope in my heart that I never expected to find high school, but I did. I watched, for the second or third time, a silly, yet charming & inspiring movie and lol’d my way through it. That is a miracle in and of itself. So, this is me telling you, whoever you are that needs to hear this, that you matter, pain fades, depression is overcome by joy, and one day YOU will laugh out loud too! ❤️💔 #itgetsbetter

Then, I decided to post a YouTube video touching on the subject of “It Gets Better” too! It’s been a productiveday!

February 14, 2018 – Happy Valentine’s Day!

I recorded a cover of Emily Osment’s Average Girl since it gets stuck in my head every year! Haha. I hadn’t played it before and recorded it one shot, so it’s not perfect, but it’s not bad either! Haha.

I worked some more on The Mask; Her Aid. And I wrote and edited (using Garage Band) the music for “Burning up a Sun.” I wrote the words exactly four years on the 11th of this month! That’s kind of cool!

I also read my Bible and walked the girls home from school!

February 12, 2018

I woke up feeling really good today! I surrendered my relationship status to God again yesterday. Today I woke up and did my weekly scale and inches check. I lost a point and an inch this past week! 😁 Then, i read my Bible. I walked Lydia and Naomi to my apartment from school and then drove them home because my back hurts. Then, I came home and did Tai Chi and sciatica Aimed yoga! It felt so good! I also started editing the Mask Her Aid and finally watched Country Strong again! Man, that movie is depressing!

The Prayer Contract: Failure and Abandonment

Is this promise enough? Do I believe that Jesus will never fail me? Do I believe He will never abandon me? If I do believe this, then is it enough for me? If each of my friends and family members were to fail and abandon me, then would Jesus be enough?
Today, I was driving to church and this sudden conviction overwhelmed me. I have grown up in the church. I have faced what feels like more than my fair share of hardships. I have had family fail me. I have had friends abandon me. Through it all, God has never failed me; He has never abandoned me. I know and believe with my whole heart that He will never fail nor abandon me. Is that knowledge and belief enough though? A little over a year ago, God convicted me in a similar way about His presence versus my best friend’s presence. Today, it’s time to compare a different pair feelings about my best friend to the same feelings about God.
I have an often unspoken fear that my friends and family will fail me, then abandon me. I have this fear even for my best friend. She has never said or done anything to make me believe she would ever abandon me and I have yet to see her fail me. Yet, I have this irrational fear that she and everyone else will fail and abandon me. Why? I’m starting to realize that this fear comes from my parents and two childhood friends.
When I was growing up, my parents had a beyond toxic marriage that ended in divorce when I was twenty. During my school-aged years, I had two close friends. The younger was my best friend and the older, her big sister, was my honorary big sister. During and after high school, one thing led to another and my best friendship failed and we went separate ways. Her big sister, for whatever reason, completely abandoned me. She had always promised to always be there for me. Then, she unfriended me on Facebook. Now, she acts nice enough, but is closed off on the rare occasion when we’re together.
In the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I have an unhealthy desire for marriage. I desire all the right things, but for all the wrong reasons. I want a loving and godly marriage that represents 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 5 as God wants it to. That is right and healthy. I desire it because my parents’ marriage was the exact opposite of a 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 5 marriage. That is wrong and unhealthy.
I’ve also recently realized that my fears and expectations for my friends, especially my best friend, are unfair. Because my longest and oldest friendship failed, I fear that all my friendships will fail. Because my honorary big sister and role model of over ten years abandoned me, I expect all those I admire to abandon me. This fear is especially true for my current best friend, as she took the role of my best friend and honorary big sister. My fears and expectations for her are incredibly unfair.
My fear is that she will fail me and then abandon me. My expectation is that she will never fail me nor abandon me. She isn’t my former best friend or big sister. It’s not fair to fear that her friendship will fail me the way my first friendship did. It’s not fair to fear that she will abandon me the way my first big sister did. It’s also not fair to expect her never to fail. She isn’t God. While it’s possible she will never abandon me, God is the only One who will never fail me.
So, what now? What do I do now that I’ve realized the reason I desire to get married is unhealthy? What do I do now that I’ve realized my fears and expectations for my best friend, and all friends really, are unfair?
First, my relationship with God must be enough to redeem the broken image of love and marriage my parents showed me.
When I turned eighteen, I wrote a letter to God, and myself, that I call a Prayer Contract. It was a commitment to grow in my self-confidence and, more importantly, in my God-fidence. It was a commitment to find contentment and joy in my singleness. When I turned 23, I followed up on that Prayer Contract, reevaluated where I was then, and wrote a new Prayer Contract. Today, I’ve written a new Prayer Contract. This time, it isn’t just a pen to paper. This time, it is a worship song pouring my heart out to Him and letting Him know that He is enough.

Second, I have to remember that the Giver is always more important than the gift.
Almost ten years ago, my family gave me the best material gift I’ve ever received. I was somewhere between the ages of fourteen and sixteen and had wanted a guitar for years. That Christmas, I finally got one. It was the best moment of my life and I can still feel the smile on my face. Even in the five or so years that I kept it hidden away and never played it, it was my most prized possession.
Now, that I’m older, I know it was a cheap guitar with little monetary value that I can buy on the Target website for only $50. I knew it couldn’t have been worth much. I didn’t even know how to play guitar, it made no sense to spend a lot of money on a beginner’s guitar. Even still, it was the most valuable material item in my life. I now play a guitar worth more than $200 and no longer have my first guitar, but that first guitar still holds more value in my heart than the one I play now. Why? Because I loved, and still love, the givers more than the gift.

What is the best gift you’ve ever received? (My salvation received from the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is the obvious answer. So, below that.) For years, I would have said my first guitar. Five years ago, my answer changed. I started going to Compass Church SA and God gave me the three greatest friends I’ve ever had. Now, though not a material gift, they are the greatest gift I’ve ever received, because God gave them to me when I was in desperate need of someone to love and accept me.
If a cheap gift like my first guitar could mean so much to me and the givers could mean so much more, then the same must be true now. If the greatest gift I’ve ever received is my best friends, then the Giver must be even more important to me. Surely, three women of God are far more important and valuable than a cheap guitar. Therefore, the Giver of those girls must be more important and valuable than the givers of that guitar.
Finally, I must apologize to my friends for unfair fears and expectations and set them free. For, if they love me, then they will never abandon me.

It’s a cliche quote that we all use, because it’s true and dogs are a man’s best friend, because friends and dogs are very similar. My unfair fears and expectations for my friends, most unfair for my best friend, are like chaining a dog to a tree. If I chain them too tight, then they’ll suffocate. Then, the second I let them loose, they’ll take off. If I let them free, and they’re my true friends, then they’ll never abandon me. They may leave me alone sometimes, which is fine, but they will never abandon me.
So, here’s my new prayer contract. If my relationship with God is not enough to redeem my hope for true love, then may I always be single. If God does not mean more to me than my friends, then may He allow them to abandon me. If I do not release my friends from unfair fears and expectations, then may our friendship fail. These must be my heart’s greatest desires–for God and His love to be enough and for me to trust Him and my friends.

February 9, 2018 – Excruciating Pain

I hurt my back again! 😭😫☹️ I think it’s from boxing, but it may also be from sitting on the bench, riding my bike with a bag on, or something. Idk? But it hurts! 😭

Today, I walked the girls to the apartment from school, then we drove to Tom slick park to play basketball. My back started hurting right before that, so we just shot around some instead. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the smartest idea since I was in pain, but.. it’s too little late, now… 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Then they came over and we watched Beastly before I took them home. After that, I showered, read Bible, and continued to work on my movie list. Today, I finished the list of movies I own. Next, I have to work on movies I have saved in my lists. Haha.

Now though, it’s 5am and time for bed.

February 8, 2018

It’s Allie, Holly, Naomi, and Abigail’s birthday!

I woke up, Rose my bike to Anson Jones and back. I was trying to see Naomi, but the goober didn’t come out and say hi like she said she would! Then, I drove to the house to tell Abigail happy birthday and watch the kids for a little while so mom could buy them pizza. After that, I went to watch Naomi’s last basketball game of the season. They lost, but she’s a beast! Then, we went with Dad and Lydia to Chick-fil-A for her birthday.

When I came home, I punched my punching bag for 10 minutes, then did 15 minutes of Tai Chi! Dude, I LOVE Tai chi! It’s amazing!

Then, I somehow ended up watching interviews of Leighton Meester. 🤷🏼‍♀️ haha. Which led me to post this on Twitter:

I watched the first season of Gossip Girl in high school, then decided to watch the series a few years ago, but realized (after trying to watch it several times) halfway through it is NOT a show I should be watching! But… sometimes I just really want to finish watching it! ☹️

February 6, 2018 – Food!

I woke up, drove Naomi and Lydia home from school. Spent all day organizing a list of movies including my watch lists and own lists from all the places! I also went to Bible study, we talked about expectations in marriage. That was fun… then, I got stuck in 10 minutes of traffic, and still had to go to Walmart! It was nearly midnight when I got home!

Yesterday, I started drinking 4 cups of green tea a day, I started making my blood Slayer smoothie again, and I’m trying not to eat chocolate. Tomorrow, I’m going to drink a green, green tea smoothie, my blood Slayer smoothie, and eat salad. Those will be my meals from now on, at least until I lose 50 pounds! Drinking a French vanilla meal replacement shake in my coffee, chamomile tea, a chocolate shake, and a hard boiled egg before bed. I’m also eating a gluten-free, vegan meal everyday. So far, they’re all really good!

February 4, 2018 – Super Bowl Sunday

I woke up, dressed in pink and white, and did my make up in black. Then, I went to church. We started a marriage series for the month.

After church, I went grocery shopping and found several gluten free frozen food options! I’m hoping they’re all good so I can have food again! Haha.

When I came home, I made caffeine free tea, green tea, and chamomile tea for before bed. Then, I worked on The Mask; Her Aid.

At 4, I went drove to Bill and Darla Harmon’s house to watch the game. I ended up staying the whole night! I was surprised! I even watched most of the game! I was rooting for the Eagles, because they have several outspoken Christians on the team and I don’t like the patriots. Eagles won!

I liked Justin Timberlake’s halftime show! After the game, I listened to all of his albums. He doesn’t have a lot of appropriate songs. The ones that are appropriate are cool though!

After the game, I came home and finished working on The Mask; Her Aid. I only have to get the second part of Morgan’s story and then I’ll be able to finish the final chapter for the first official draft! I’m so excited! I’ve been working on this for FIVE YEARS!

Right now, I’m gonna go drink my chamomile tea and go to bed!

February 2, 2018 – It’s Not Saturday

I woke up and drove my car to Nanny and Papa’s house so Papa can figure out what’s wrong with the window. Hopefully, it’s a quick fix because the ac isn’t working and I need air!

Then I came home, cleaned up the living room, and read my Bible.

After that, I did my laundry and watch Demi Lovato: Simply Complicated. I have a lot to say about it, but I’m gonna save it for a blog post later.

I finished writing Lauren’s chapter for The Mask; Her Aid. Then, I started working on Aida and Leah’s chapter! It might be a little long since it’s two people! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Now, I’m going to bed. Goodnight!

February 1, 2018 – A New Month; A New Start

I think 2018 is going to be the year I follow through with and or finish things. I’m going to finish writing The Mask; Her Aid. Then, I’ll hopefully finish writing my dystopian novel. I’m finally following through with my decision to organize all of my papers, upload most to the computer, and dispose of the paper copies except for select exceptions–like specific/important songs, original copies of things that just feel like they need to be on paper. Things like that. Today, I organized all of my papers into binders and folders. Now, they’re sitting on the TV stand. It looks so neat and organized!

I also shredded ALL of my Pretty Little Liars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer papers. I had nearly 200 sheets of paper combined! I’ve decided that in 2018, I’m not going to read or watch anything I can’t read or watch with the girls and any younger siblings. 7th Heaven has really influenced me to be the best example I can be! Matt always tries to be the best example and Mary failed to be a good example. I thought about ditching PLL and Buffy a lot in 2017, but didn’t actually do it. This year I am though. I’m also probably not going to continue watching Riverdale. Idk that there’s anything particularly wrong with it, but it also doesn’t really teach any good morals. I’m gonna stick to shoes like Heartland, 7th Heaven, Boy Meets World, Full House, Fuller House, and all those older shows. I asked people on Facebook what kind of shoes they’d recommend like those shoes and maybe like The OC, One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls, and Hart of Dixie. I’m tired of shows like Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer that are constantly going on about sex and other stuff. Buffy did have some good lessons in it, so I’m gonna keep those scenes, but otherwise, I’m getting ride of all of it! It’s garbage and if I can’t watch it with kids, then I shouldn’t watch it all!

Anyway, I woke up this morning and read my Bible. Then, I started watching 7th Heaven and organizing my papers. I had to stop to walk Naomi home from school. When I got home, I watched another episode of 7th Heaven and organized some more. Then, I left to put the kids to bed for mom so she could go watch the game and Buffalo Wild Wings. I stayed for a while to make sure they went to bed. Bonnie and I had fun with Snap Chat filters before I went home again. At home, I continued to watch 7th Heaven and organize papers. Now, I’m gonna take my turns on Words with Friends, maybe read a chapter of The One, and go to bed!