Do You Trust Me? – July 9, 2018

I woke up and the weather was overcast, but not raining, so I went to drive for Uber Eats. It quickly started raining and got worse with every second. I knew I should go home, but I didn’t. That’s when I heard the voice in my heart–the Holy Spirit–ask, “Do you trust me?”

“I’m trying to trust you,” I thought as I kept driving. “That’s why I’m still driving through this rain.” Deep down, I knew that’s not what He meant, but He didn’t ask again, so I didn’t think much of it.

Then, after my next order, I heard it again, “Do you trust me?”

I thought, “God, if you want me to turn back, then please show me by not giving any quick orders so I’ll know.”

I kept getting quick orders, so I kept driving.

“Do you trust me,” He asked again. At this point, I knew He knew I knew what He meant. It was still a gentle voice like before, but also knowing.

“Okay…” I thought. “After these two deliveries you just gave me, I’ll go home.” And I put myself offline beginning after the orders.

I was resigned to do what I knew I needed to do and feeling silly for not listening in the first place. Of course He could keep me from getting orders, but it was a rainy day. The odds of not getting orders would literally take a miracle. Nobody wanted to leave their house today. Besides, He was, is, and has been for sometime trying to teach me a lesson.

I was stressing out about going home, but trying to trust God. I’ve been struggling for money for a little while now, and I have basically just ate, slept, went to church, and drove for Uber Eats none stop for several weeks. I’d only done laundry when absolutely needed, I hadn’t been doing dishes and eventually stopped using anything but paper/plastic, and my personal belongings were everywhere. It basically looked like a tornado had hit or “it appears there was a struggle.” I knew it would take a while to clean up my messes and it always takes forever to do laundry because I have to wait on the machine, so I just kept putting things off and putting things off. It was maddening and I’m glad I hadn’t had time to have anyone over, because it would have been terrible!

Anyway, when I got home, I felt the mini anxiety attack I’d been feeling for weeks every time I looked at my apartment come over me. “Oh,” I thought. “This is why I need to come home. I mean, safety first, but also now I can tackle the mess that is my home!” And I got to work. I cleaned, organized, and threw away. I’d been wanting for a while now to get rid of anything I don’t need or use regularly, and I finally did that today. For the most part, everything that is still in my apartment is used regularly. Now, I’m sitting in my living room, tired from the manual labor of housework–my Fitbit says I took 6,000 steps and I carried and lifted a lot–and enjoying the freedom that is a clean and organizing environment. Once I finished writing this, I’ll be changing into clean pjs and climbing between clean sheets, and sleeping more peacefully than I have in a while!

For now though, I’m thinking about learning lessons. 1) Trusting God with the future is not the same as trusting Him with the now. If I’m not at peace in the moment, then I don’t have my complete trust in Him. I’m a step closer, because I know He’ll provide for me like He has in the past, but I’m not quite there yet. I’m still struggling with the now. 2) Just like Zach Williams sings, fear is a liar. 🤥 So are anxiety and worries. Yes, technically they are the same thing, but not completely. They do have slightly different connotations. Regardless, they equate to the same thing–not trusting God to take care of me. I’m working on that too! I have an almost crippling phobia for spiders and paranoia for the dark and bodies of water. It’s completely irrational and I know it is, but I can’t seem to help it. I’m working on being fearless though. I’m working on letting go and letting God. And while I’m working, He’s working harder. 3) If I would work on controlling the things I’m supposed to control and let God control everything else, then I’d be a lot happier and far more at peace. I’m supposed to control the state of my apartment, when and where I spend my money, and most of the time whether I work or not. God controls pretty much everything else, or at least He’s supposed to if I’d let Him. So, I’m working on that too! Working when I can, but without stressing myself out. Not spending money on things unless I truly need them, because what I need right now is to pay off my bills. Not stressing about things that are not in my control. And finally, cleaning up after myself every time I use something so it won’t pile up and stress me out later!

If you’re reading this, then please do me a favor! Pray with me that I will stress less, fear less, and stop making literal and figurative messes!